Thursday, April 12, 2012

A World of my Own!

As I write this post, I find echos of my childhood wafting through my mind...


Strange! I always thought that I was a religious child; but I now think I was really very superstitious. I remember going to sleep with my right hand on my soul (a little over my stomach) like a lucky charm to keep the devil from stealing my soul when I was asleep.


I remember signing myself with the cross (several times) before writing an answer paper just so to be sure that I had done it the 'right way'. My belief was that God would not be appeased to help me out if I didn't 'salute' him rightly...


I remember searching for crosses or names of saints in the vaguest of places, situation...clouds, scenery, cutlery, wall graffiti, as a good-luck portent that my quest will be blessed because I found the hidden sigma.


I have now come to see that these were fallacies of an over-active imagination and a deep anxiety complex of an inherently insecure child. I read another blogger describing the same symptoms and she says that they were her meager attempts to seek control over an uncontrollable world. This rang true with me. 


The times when I found myself in a spot or disciplined, I immediately retreated into my make-believe world of perfection. Some would say, it's a beautiful talent to bring worlds and realities into existence. But there is something disoriented about a make-believe world which seems more real that than reality. This is no a la Calvin's Spaceman Spiff. There were days when I was in a haze, just sleepwalking through the day. The absent-present girl!


As Coraline finds out, a fantasy world is not all it's supposed to be...


My religion also got warped in my World. My need to feel safe and secure; trampled the one venue where I could have received healing. This I believe is my 'Forbidden Apple' weak point. 'You will be like God' (Gen 3:5) sounds a lot like 'you will be in control'; if not in this world then at least in my own.


I don't think that I am alone in this. A lot of us create our own solutions for 'World Peace'. Some of us retreat into the world of our work (like we would suddenly find life's purpose in the middle of a meeting). Some others into the world of glamour and fun (Party-animal, what are you running away from?). Then then the terrible world of drug-induced delusions (drugs wouldn't be so popular if they didn't deliver 'happy' hallucinations, would they?)...


It took me a while to realise how cannibalistic my world had become. All that time, talent, emotional energy...what a waste! 
It took me even longer to fight the impulse of running into my world whenever I was hurt; and I am still coming to terms with my need to be in control, to be a step ahead. 


To know my rest and security lies in trusting God means that my faith and religion needs to be redeemed from my archaic world. Christ is risen! He is not dead! He is above and beyond anything my mind can conceive or imagine. He, alone can rescue. What freedom is there in that knowing...