Perfect Imperfections

What is it you want to change? 

Your hair, your face, your body?

Why? 

For God is in love with all those things and He might weep when they are gone. 

-St. Catherine of Siena 

Make it Larger than you
PC http://postris.com/post/20411/happiness-in-black-and-whiteb

The Whole of your Soul is in the Symmetry of your Body. 

For there is nothing more magical nor mysterious,

than the contouring, the working of your miraculous body.

I don't remember much about dissatisfaction,

with self, looks or shape;

when I was once a child

I was taught that. 

In more ways than one 

In smaller and more subtle ways than the television. 

Bring me back,

the innocent indifference of my childhood

Restore me the fullness of my glory.

#PerfectNever 

Faith in Beautiful Dark Places

For years and year, I thought faith was all about being faithful to routine and rituals. Being true to chanting certain prayers, being real sharp on days of obligation. 

Doing it all on self-strength and diligence. For years and years...till I was fatigued and confused.

Nothing good seemed to come from it except maybe a self-righteous sense of accomplishment, which left me even more empty inside.

The fact was that, I was chained. Not by the Holy ways and movements but by own sense of duty and commission. I thought or rather I believed that by doing something good, even by sheer will, receives it due the gift of salvation.

Maybe so...The Lord is kind and looks at the heart of the worshiper. He found the rich young man who kept the law in me. 

Sometime we grow so used to the chains that bind us that we cleave to it even when the Saviour comes to set us free.

Faith is Never Ever Giving Up. It always hopes. Always Strives. Always Believes.

So Faith himself came and took me to a dark place. A place where I couldn't see him, found lost, left alone and without hope...It was there I questioned the years of slavehood and discipline. 

Did it count for nothing, O Lord? 

He said, No!

You Count for EVERYTHING, said Christ. 

There, in the midst of that dark place, I found Hope. I found the unshakable truth that I am loved and the Beloved. 

There in that dark place, I found Faith...that moved beyond sight and signs. 

There, in that dark place, I found His Peace.

Found, say I, because these gifts were ever present, ever mine but never received. For Faith, in my blindness, consisted of a barter and exchange. 

You can never exchange for a gift. Gifts are always received. Only goods or merchandises are exchanged and bargained. The Lord had refused to barter anymore.He wanted nothing from me. Nothing I had to give or offer or promise to offer. He wanted Nothing.

There, in that beloved dark place, I received Faith which humbled me to a child who received and received and received. 

And when I learnt obedience in that fortunate dark place, I received the Joy that came from the rituals and routine. I received hope with a return to those disciplines which suffocated me in my sterile chanting. I received great meaning and revelation in all that I forced myself to undertake and instead allowed it to bless me again and again.

I was found. And all that I had thought, lost, was restored. Greatly and abundantly.

Never believe that God cannot out-give your expectations. 

We sometimes sin greatly when we drop our hopes and expectations from Christ because we think him to be a stingy lover. He gave up his life as God and gave away his life as Man. Will he not give us all good things?

The greatest of all his gifts is this- He gives All of Himself to us. ALL!

Let him take you to that dark place. It is there, where you will learn that faith is believing God's promises because, in that dark place, Christ is all you will Have. 

And Christ will be All Enough...

The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises
    and faithful in all he does.

-Psalm 145: 13

Hope and Expanding the Soul

Mary, Mother of God
Mother of Sorrows, Ora Pro Nobis!

They say that suffering expands the soul to receive God. I found that hard to take. 

 Suffering by itself can drown the soul, deep into bitterness and spoil clear light of idealism into the vinegar of cynicism. We are fallen and half-blind; which is worse than complete blindness. The blind man believed the Messiah in faith; the rich young man, half seeing, not perceiving left his Lord and walked away sad. 

Maybe if he had known that his soul's sorrow came not from the bitter choice but from leaving the Beloved; he might have tarried. Perhaps.

Aye, a little knowledge and an ill-instructed spirituality is a dangerous thing.

But this post is about hope. The strength to believe against all disbelief and unbelief.

What does Mary tell us  about the night of  her soul? That it's hope that expands the soul to grow big enough to carry the Cross and not lose sight of eternity.

Suffering without hope is a withered tree in the desert; hope without suffering is a cloud grasped in the fist of one's hand.

As Mary believed, so Mary hoped.

A mustard seed of Faith. A little phial of Hope. That is enough.

I like to contemplate her sorrows not through a dark well of tears but rather through her resilience to hope against all hope hopen.

At the prophesy of Simeon, she hoped.

During her harried journey into Egypt, she hoped.

At the loss of her child, through each excruciating day, she hoped.

Under the excruciating weight of the Cross, she hoped.

At the foot of the Cross, she hoped.

As she looked upon the face of her cold still child, she hoped.

When they took him away for the last time...she still hoped.

And Hope did not fail.

Mary, Mother of Sorrows
Mary, Mother of Hope. Ora Pro Nobis

Forgiving... God

Forgiveness...a state of letting go.

Forgiving God.
What about forgiving, God?

The Lord confronted me with this challenge and I found it hard to accept. He showed me the story of Martha, Mary and Lazarus.

When word was sent to Jesus, friend and wonder-worker to come quickly, for the 'one he loved' was sick. He delayed, so long that the 'one he loved' was dead three days.

What could possibly have gone through the hearts and spirits of the bereaved sisters? Anger. Disappointment. Abandonment...

'If you were here, Lord, my brother would not have died'

Accusation.

You said you loved him, but came not when we called.

You said call to me and I will hear you in heaven...but answered not.  For days. Weeks. Months. Years.

I will protect you, you said but here I am still broken by life...

The same refrain and sorrow.

When Martha met the Lord, she was in need of forgiving the Lord. It was the only way she could have received the Lord's blessings and allowed his power to raise Lazarus.

Is it possible to forgive God? Can a good, merciful, gracious God have erred us so bad to be needing forgiveness.

No. But in our minute humanity and brokenness, we need to forgive God and let go of our bitterness to allow him to make a miracle out of our dead hopes.

Do you love the Desert?

I think not...

I hate the loneliness, emptied out all that good and meaningful. I hate the sad melancholy of world that takes all but gives no solace. I hate the waiting...

I remember during my painful desert experience during Nov-Dec last year, how I rued my my prayer- try me, Lord and make me more like you. Give me a more giving heart like yours. Tear down the stone walls around my heart and teach me to love like you.

O boy, he did answer that prayer...

The thawing of a frozen heart requires the furnace of love. Tough love. The dross of doubt, fear and complacency all rise to the surface during this purification of the soul. It's excruciating and there is no respite.

When there is a cross, there follows also the joy of the resurrection. A new life.

The month following the breakthrough was a time of keeping low. A time of recovering and restoration. Our Father is a God of Love. He is a pursuant lover and he never gives up (1 Cor 13:7).

The breakthrough was a time where he taught me the meaning of faith without sight, hope without proof and even patience in the midst of clamour. It all rests on the bedrock of a single truth- God is Love.

40 years in the desert to learn one truth. God is faithful.

The desert, the cross, the sorrow- and then the revelation. My Almighty Father loves me. 

It's seems like a paradox but the Lord never forgets his own. The Songs proclaim- Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her Beloved?

courtesy: christinecouncil

It is I...

Prayer & Solace

I have been having some wonderful time with the Lord and in a completely new dimensions.

Has my work life suddenly sorted itself out aka work ends at 6 PM, Life starts at 6:01 PM?

Nope...

Did I suddenly discover my truests, deepest calling for the Kingdom?

Nah... The Lord still like me to turn a bend before he gives me a new assignment.

Is He patient? Is He Still forgiving? Does He still love me to bits?

Yes... and that's the breakthrough.

The faithfulness of God can only be counted when you look back on the mountains you've traversed and seen how high you have flown. 

Walking with the Lord builds Character. He helps you see beyond the visible mayhem around you and into deeper realities that may be.

He taught me that the only thing worth defending is his Peace. The battle is always of the mind and the Enemy seeks to plunder you of your peace. So, raise a standard of praise against him. Sing of the glory of God. 

Let our Lady, Star of the Sea help you. She is the one person God has not permitted the Enemy to malign. She will counsel you.

Forget not the Counselor. He is gentle and humble. Will he not speak words of wisdom and direction into your ear? 

Forget not the promises of God, for he is faithful.

"I have called you by name, you are mine"

A X'mas Rhyme

THE HOUSE OF CHRISTMAS 
By G.K. Chesterton

There fared a mother driven forth
Out of an inn to roam;
In the place where she was homeless
All men are at home.
The crazy stable close at hand,
With shaking timber and shifting sand,
Grew a stronger thing to abide and stand
Than the square stones of Rome.

For men are homesick in their homes,
And strangers under the sun,
And they lay on their heads in a foreign land
Whenever the day is done.
Here we have battle and blazing eyes,
And chance and honour and high surprise,
But our homes are under miraculous skies
Where the yule tale was begun.

A Child in a foul stable,
Where the beasts feed and foam;
Only where He was homeless
Are you and I at home;
We have hands that fashion and heads that know,
But our hearts we lost - how long ago!
In a place no chart nor ship can show
Under the sky's dome.

This world is wild as an old wives' tale,
And strange the plain things are,
The earth is enough and the air is enough
For our wonder and our war;
But our rest is as far as the fire-drake swings
And our peace is put in impossible things
Where clashed and thundered unthinkable wings
Round an incredible star.

To an open house in the evening
Home shall men come,
To an older place than Eden
And a taller town than Rome.
To the end of the way of the wandering star,
To the things that cannot be and that are,
To the place where God was homeless
And all men are at home

The Pearl of Great Value

 Suffering...

That dreaded season. Why does the Lord keep bringing the same bitter cup to my lips, to be drunk to the very dregs?

There are a lot of analogies for suffering- gold being purified, clay being molded, vines being pruned... but though they made a lot of sense intellectually, to my spirit it brought no solace.

But the beauty of the Lord is this, He is Truth and Truth is manifested in so many ways, in so many forms and so in many of us. As much as we try to classify people, we still are so unique and varied. He likes that, I think. So he speaks to our spirits in ways that only we, as individuals can understand. And so he spoke to me...

Today, was one of those vicious days where nothing went right, no task was getting ticked as 'done', no comfort, so peace... and a sleep-deprived headache. Heaven was quiet and I knew I was nearing melting point.

I was walking to a nearby cafe to grab some lunch, when I had a 'moment of meeting' with the Lord. I was upset, tired, disgruntled and very unhappy but in spite of all that, I did not put the Lord to the test. I just humbled myself in my heart and said, 'Lord! LORD!' He didn't saying anything but his presence remained like a lingering fragrance. I had my lunch and that moment passed...

Then all of a sudden the Holy Spirit brought it to me, that it was the first time that I did not question (in doubt) the hand of the Lord in my present. I saw this vision of the good thief and the bad thief on either sides of the cross. Both were in need to help and liberation. One chose to challenge, the other chose to let go and let be lead, in faith. 

I understood... I had moved and in my suffering, made pure. My suffering took me to a higher ground; not to whinge and challenge but to trust and be made small.

And this is wisdom, when you understand divine truths in the light of who you are and how you are tuned. 

I understood, that sufferings is needed because it helps you find gold in the sludge. Mining gold is a dirty, backbreaking, messy process. If you watch any of the videos on youtube on gold mining, you'll understand what I mean.  Find that one piece of precious metal and it will suffice for all your labours.  

Suffering helps dredge virtue from the sludge. It scrapes away all your masks, washes off your self-pretense and disperses all forms of factitious spirituality, till you find that one virtue that your previously felt you had but never knew it's true worth. 

Suffering makes your treasures worthwhile. If it was as simple as breathing to mine gold and diamond, do you think we would treasure the metal and the rock so well? Similarly, suffering contributes great value to your virtue, even in God's eyes.

And when you know what they are truly worth because of the price you've paid in pain and tears, then your heart will be   even greatly captivated by the Lord who is the source and summit of all virtue and grace. And where your treasure lies , there will your heart lie... utterly. With God.

Remembrance

God in the Old Testament was one who constantly commiserated his people to Remember.

'Tell it to your children and do not forget how the Lord delivered you from the Egyptians...'

'Remember the Lord's commands that I entrust to you today...

'Remember when your fathers forgot me in the dessert...'

Remember... Remember... Remember...

When one goes through the Night of the Senses, memories of the Lord's faithfulness and mercy can give hope even in the darkest night.

'I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.'

- Ps 27: 13

It is the confidence of one who has tasted the Lord and found him true. 

Then there is another kind of reminiscence and it has nothing to do with one's memories or experience. It is a remembrance of the nature of God, who he is and how faithful he yet remains in the face of man's faithlessness. 

There is a brokenness that comes with this remembrance. Like Mary at the foot of the cross. A place of 'hoping against hope' in a God who remains silent. Nothing made sense during that dark night of her soul. There was no silver lining on Golgotha, no comfort in her loneliness. I doubt if she remembered the words of her Son about his death and resurrection; and even if she did, I wonder if it brought her any comfort while watching her firstborn torn on the cross.

And Christ, ripped from his Father's bosom, bereft of all imaginable hope and yet he said ...

'Father, into your hands I commend my spirit'

Faith shines through.

This faith is born of hope. 

'Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see'

- Heb 11:1 

Sometimes, I do believe it translates into- Faith is being sure of Who we hope in and certain of Him who we do not see. 

Come away with me

What is intimacy?

Is it a union of two souls or two minds? Could it be that moment when a man becomes one with his wife? Could it be when two friends bond in silence, or a mother suckling her child...

or maybe, it could be all of the above.

For Christ,I think it was a little more. For Christ, it was an immersive moment. Akin to a single drop of water becoming part of a great ocean. A realization that the Lord is GOD... and I am held in the midst of his existence. 

He is "my existence". 

He is Existence.

"I am, who am"

He revealed himself to all humanity and for all time, as an invitation to a greater knowing of God- face-to-face, man to   Creator. He leans down to us. Know me, he says. Know me...

The most important prerequisites of intimacy is trust and vulnerability. He did that when he spoke his name to Moses. He showed his most vulnerable side when he became man.

Friendship, motherhood, spousal love are all relationships that grow with intimacy.

But for God, it becomes a deeper engagement. Mortal man can never bond perfectly with an immortal eternal God. So, God gave man a soul. A spirit, eternal and immortal as God is. It an intimacy of two spirits that God seeks. It goes beyond feeling, above physical bodies and remains suspended like a single drop of consciousness in an ocean of silence. A stillness... A time of completeness, at rest and in Peace.

That is intimacy with an Almighty, Eternal God. 

He meets us in the physical as he does in the spiritual. He comes to us in the Holy Eucharist, becoming one with us, nourishing us, enveloping us, overshadowing us. 

He lets us touch him because our senses are so important to us.

He woos us with his songs because our passions move us.

He bends down to us seeking intimacy and friendship. 

'Come away with me to a lonely place'

'Come abide in me, rest awhile in me'

Blessed among Women

The Bible raises a few women to look upon as an example of 'Highly Favoured', 'Richly Blessed', 'Woman of Faith' and I find myself a bit skeptical. They had hard lives, all of them. 

In ancient Israel, women and children were relegated to the fringes of Jewish society. If that wasn't bad enough, being out of sync with the norms i.e. unmarried, widowed, childless were considered curse or punishment by God. 

It was a hard life for a woman...much less one who was considered despised and abandoned by God.

Sarah was seven times widowed when we first meet her in the Book of Tobit. Seven in Jewish lore is considered a full, complete number. Sarah had drunk deep of her cup of sorrow so much so that it came to be even her servant-girl did not scruple to abuse her. The ancient community would have have denounced her worse. She was ready to take her life when she remembered her beloved father, and then turned to God.

"Lord, I look to you for help."

                                           

                                             -Tobit 3:11-12

Beyond coincidence and chance, came Tobit and the sorrows of two families came to an end. 

Then there was Rachel, Sarah, Abraham's wife and Elizabeth, Mary's cousin. Bereaved in their childlessness; yet hoping when all cause for hope was over.

Judith the young widow faced with a despondent nation and Ruth, the foreigner who chose love and loyalty over home.

"Then God remembered..."

                                - Gen 30:22

But where there is Christ, there is always Hope and (this) Hope does not disappoint. 

God will fulfill the desires of your heart, because he himself put it there. He is glorified in your joy as he glorified in your patient obedience.

When all seems bleak and the promises seem late in flowering; remember...

"For nothing is impossible for God"

                                - Luke 1: 37 

She believed...

May is nearly here- the Month of Mary.

Mary was a natural contemplation mystic. Contemplation being a form of prayer where a person turn things over, not in his or her mind but in her heart. Heart being the seat where one finds God, not quite the fluffy, pansy, emotional-driven core but a place of truth and trust. Feelings do have a play but more than that it's a place of surrender and abandonment to God.

'Do unto me as thou hast said'

Those are not easy words if one truly understood the full implication of saying them. Mary weighed the words in her heart and spoke- Fiat. A complete consummation of consent. And the history of mankind changed forever.

This May, I thought of doing Mary's Way. To contemplate and to sit abide in God. The fruit of contemplation, is surrender. But before that happens, there is something else... belief. 

I often wondered what the difference was between faith and trust and belief. This is what I understood- 

Faith is a gift. To become aware of God and trust in who he is.
Trust is confidence in the credibility of God.
Belief. I think Belief becomes more personal and intimate. Belief is a 'knowing'. It is faith in action.

Paul received the gift of Faith at Damascus. Mary (the sister of Martha) trusted Jesus to have done something to save Lazarus.

But Mary believed... she knew. Old Simeon knew he held the Messiah in his arms. He didn't need a white dove hovering over. Abraham believed God. To believe is to translate faith into action.

One of the most beautiful proofs I have read on belief is from 'The Children of Hurin' by J.R.R.Tolkien. The story is one of tragedy surrounding the family of Hurin who challenged the might of Melkor. Melkor was a fallen Elect, an immortal. Not of flesh and blood but of pure spirit. He seek to subdue all the earth and creation but the elves and men of Middle-Earth challenged him. They failed and Hurin, the leader of men was captured.

Thus begins a dissertation between Melkor the immortal and Hurin the man. Melkor tries to destroy every belief that Hurin has held sacred since his youth. 

To break a man's beliefs is to subjugate him completely. 

Man needs to believe, in order to live. 

But in the end, Hurin pronounces his one true creed- I know this and I know it with all my heart, that you are not the Lord of men and you shall never be its master.

Mary believed...

God is Just. 
God is True. 
God is Love.
God is Good.

And the scripture resounds- 'Blessed is she who believed...' 

A Prayer for Everyday

A SHORT WISH, DEAREST JESUS

Servant of God Frank Duff

Oh, my God, I do not ask for the big things - the life of the missionary or the monk, or those others I see around me so full of accomplishment, I do not ask for any of these; but simply set my face to follow out unswervingly, untiringly, the common life which day to day stretches out before me, satisfied if in it I love You, and try to make you loved. Nature rebels against this life with its never-ending round of trivial tasks and full of the temptation to take relief in amusement or change. It seems so hard to be great in small things, to be heroic in the doing of the commonplace; but still this life is Your will for me. There must be a great destiny in it. And so, I am content. And then to crown the rest, dear Jesus, I beg you to give me this, fidelity to the end, to be at my post when the final call comes, and to take my last, weary breath in Your embrace. A valiant life and faithful to the end. A short wish, dearest Jesus, but it covers all.

- Servant of God Frank Duff, Can We Be Saints ?

Amen

It is a hard prayer for those of us who find ourselves vaguely trapezing through life. But it is a good prayer and much needed one. In world where one's self-worth is measured by achievements and lauds. It hurts to take the common path. It's deeply humbling and almost embarrassing to say- I am waiting on the Lord to open new paths and doors. 

'What! You don't have a PLAN?'


Nope. I only hope to be obedient through where the Holy Spirit gently prods me go. Even when I fail to hear his voice, I trust the Holy Spirit know his way through the wilderness of my thoughts and the labyrinth of my heart. He will find me, the foolish lost sheep, the meandering coin. 

He will make this commonplace life of mine yield a song for my King. 

I do not ask to see, the distant scene

One small step enough for me

-Cardinal Newman

A Man for All Seasons

I know I haven't written anything on this blog about our new Pontiff- Pope Francis but that's just because I have been too busy celebrating and rejoicing over his election. 

But now, something has come up which has made me want to post about him. It is about that news flash where His Holiness descended from the Popemobile to greet a disabled man in the papal audience. I had seen the picture of this but the video really moved my heart. Truly, this man is chosen by God...

An Unrelenting God

There is this lovely skit by the Skit Guys called God's Chisel. It is a beautiful analogy of how we respond to God's pruning and most of the time not very well. 

The part I like is where the main protagonist begs God to leave it off him for a while, take a break, come back later, resume the work, whenever that may be. 

God sighs...

That's a problem with me. As much as I love the Lord and truly desire his will in my life, it is hard to toe the line when the going gets tough. Like the time he asked me to  forgive this really nasty person at the workplace or graciously accept a time of desolation to thaw my frozen heart. I find myself so broken that I wish (and pray) that God gives me a break. And hopefully a long break, at that. 

But this is what I have understood about the Lord. One he puts his hands to the anvil, he doesn't let go till he has fulfilled his purpose. 

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; thy steadfast love, O LORD, endures for ever.

- Psalm 138:8

An Unrelenting God. A Stubborn Saviour. Where would we be without him? Undone, half-done, without... 

I don't trust myself to hold on to Christ. But this I know. I can trust Christ to hold on to me, no mater what. No matter how many times I tell him to leave me alone. He won't give up on me.

Maybe it's a litany to the One I love.

No matter how many times I tell him to leave me be.
Christ won't give up on me

No matter how many times I tell him I am tired of his hand
Christ won't give up on me

No matter how many times I have given up on myself
Christ won't give up on me

For the times I have cheated, bribed, counselled and coerced Him to do my will as His
Christ won't give up on me

For the times I have fallen and couldn't forgive myself
Christ won't give up on me

For the times I have wounded his Sacred Heart 
Christ won't give up on me

For the times I have wounded and maligned his people
Christ won't give up on me

For the times I had an opportunity to proclaim his name, speak of his goodness and spread his love; and did not
Christ won't give up on me

When I gave away my time in far cheaper pursuits than knowing his command and heeding his call
Christ won't give up on me

When I am in sin and my pride prevents me from hearing the Master's call
Christ won't give up on me

To the Lord who took on torn humanity to save me
Christ won't give up on me

To the Lord who humble himself to the pits of death and hell, that I may not suffer either
Christ won't give up on me

To the unquenchable fire of his love waiting to renew me
Christ won't give up on me

Christ won't give up on me. Christ won't give up on me. Not just yet. Not ever. 

Sacred Heart of Jesus, pierced with a lance. Have mercy on us.

Autumn and Lent

I like a bird's eye view... I like to see the whole picture. The distant past and a cloudy glimpse of the future with Today and Now, in retrospect.

It gives me comfort. To understand how the world comes to be and how it finally knits itself together. Like a puzzle. All is awry till the final piece falls in. I think that is why God instituted the Second Coming, when all things are unveiled as they truly are. I look forward to it...

But that is not what this post is about. This is post is about recognizing the seasons in your journey with Jesus. Reading signs from your life, your circle of friends and the Church.

For me, it seems like it is autumn again. When the old gives way to the new. I been through it once before, so I recognize it again. This time, it started with a death. My grandmother who suffered many years with Demensia, passed away in her sleep. She had become a child towards the end but the Good Lord remembered her faithfulness and took her home gently and kindly. It was a peaceful, good death. It was followed by another death. Sudden and unexpected of a missionary's father. In midst of it came Pope Benedict's announcement to step down (I grieved that it had to be). Then, there was also a sudden resignation by the head of my department. 

It feels like autumn again...Change is in the air. Spring is coming, it surely will not delay.

And to welcome Spring, is the time of Lent for preparation. This time, I thought of forgoing my favourite soap but I got smarter... no more my plans for Lent. I asked Jesus what were his plans for me. Jesus said, 'Humility.' 

I cringed... a little. 

Accepting suffering has always been hard for me and humility comes by the way of brokenness. But Lent is also that time when we rest from our crosses and look up to Jesus and ask him for our restoration. That's the whole point- 'Come away with me to a lonely place and rest awhile' (Mar 6:31). When we seek Jesus, we are in it for the long haul. Even those of us who are weighed down by daily worries of the world, this is a time of rest. A time to put down our burdens and anxieties, hopes and fear and spend time with Jesus. This is the Jesus who prepares you for the good fight. Reminds you of your Baptismal Promises. Fills you with his Love. And strengthens you for the everyday, ordinary life's Way of the Cross.

We need that rest. Autumn is the time of letting go and letting God. Then, Spring arrives. With it come joy, hope and solace.

I have been there before and I know the time is nearly here.

That is why I like the Bird's eye view. I start to have expectant faith. I know Spring is coming... 

A Time for Consolation

St.Ignatius wrote at length about spiritual consolation and desolation.

While, consolation is the easy part. It's the season where the soul is enveloped in peace, a sure sense of God's presence, great interior joy and hopefulness. It is manifested as one's personal prayer life becomes deeply satisfying, scripture reading becomes more meaningful and one's vocation, blossoms.

Desolation, is just the opposite and also afforded by God. St. Ignatius described it,'I call desolation what is entirely the opposite of (consolation), as darkness of soul, torment of spirit, inclination to what is low and earthly, restlessness rising from many disturbances and temptations which lead to want of faith, want of hope, want of love. The soul is wholly slothful, tepid, sad, and separated, as it were, from its Creator and Lord.'

Unspeakable sadness...

The last 6 months have been a trying time for me at every level. Reading some of my earlier posts, I realise now that I was slowly entering a dark hole, from whence the light slowly dimmed and finally went out.  

My work related stress kept building up till it got really bad in December and I mean...Bad. So much so, I think my low BP and the general lethargy and sickness came as an off-shoot of all that. To say that I was broken within would be an understatement. During that time, I even began to doubt God's love and lost hope that he would intervene for me. A lot of what I was going through was not just because of the work. It was crazy, but what made things worse was that for the longest time my personal prayer life was dry, the Bible was no longer speaking to me, sharing with my spiritual elder made no difference and nothing seemed to be breaking through. 

At least earlier on, I had the 'lights' of God's presence. Even when I couldn't sense his presence, I knew he was near when suddenly things miraculously fell into place, difficult situations suddenly became simpler, people relented or at least I had confidence in God's word when things looked hopeless but here there was no comfort, no solace and no sense of God's presence and then, the stress. Many people came and told me that God wanted them to affirm me - 'God loves you' but those words, which earlier used to thrill my heart seemed empty and dead.

There was no hope and none seemed to be coming. Last year, Christmas was not really a feast of old and New Years was just plain depressing! That was the lowest point. I just broke down during mass in Church and even then, there came no help from above.

There was one discipline I following during this time- I spent a lot of time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Hours together, just sitting there. I did not try to force myself to pray or try to discern anything. I guess, by that time, I was fed-up and tired. If God wanted to reach me, then he had to come. 

It was during this time, I came across this thin book called 'Miracles Do Happen: God can do the impossible' by Sister Briege. I thought the title of the book pretty clichéd and there was nothing really to attract me but I just picked it up and started reading from the middle. She speaks about a 'torn tent' where the Lord sits waiting for us. She says that we get so hassled with the state of our souls and the demands of out lives that we forget that the Lord will repair the 'battered tent' and sort everything else if only we sit before him in silence. 

At the same time, I received several 'Words' from my online intercessory group about holding on and God working through my suffering. Finally, after New Year's, Mother Mary came to my rescue. I really don't know how or when but one day during the rosary, she inspired me to tell the Lord how much I loved him. It was hard! In the middle of the mess of my life, to focus on Love is very hard. But with her, I manage to tell Jesus- 'I love you, Lord'. It was like breaking through the waters for a breadth of fresh air. Saying it over and over again with Mary, I suddenly got perspective. The most important thing in life is to remember- God loves you and you love him too. It's as if, the troubles and the sufferings are just ancillary because what matters is that you love the Lord. (The strength to love him comes from God so to tell Jesus that you love him is impossible without his grace)

My work troubles did not magically go away but I have received new strength. I am no longer fearful or as fearful as I was, though I still get panic attacks but going to Mary and asking her to take me to that lonely place where the Lord is found, telling him again and again that I love him, is healing in itself.

As the light keeps growing brighter, I have to come understand why this period of desolation is so important. It is to purify the spirit. To look to Jesus even when it seems that you receive nothing from him ('Lord, to whom can we go to? You have the words of eternal life.') That is the love that he desires and the fruit of desolation.